A Word’s Worth
How to make sure your words hit the mark.
Is It Your Problem to Solve?
Another question that should be asked up front is whether the issue that you’re addressing is actually your problem to solve in the first place. Often, we take ownership of the problems of those that we love. The challenge is that if the problem is not your responsibility, it’s unlikely that you will be able to solve it effectively.
Let Me Be Clear
In our last lesson, we covered the basics of formulating and communicating an effective message, including how to evaluate your own needs and motivations and how to understand your counterpart’s perspective. At the end of the last lesson, we discussed the importance of practicing your point and visualizing the desired outcome. Now that you’ve done your homework, it’s time to get to the point.
In this lesson, we’ll cover how to get your point across clearly, how to communicate specifically to a situation, and what to do when you encounter difficult or unreasonable people. First, though, let’s discuss how to deliver your message with impact.
Don’t Be Wishy-Washy
Even if you find that it’s necessary to soften your language, don’t use words that negate your effectiveness. For instance, if you use phrases like “sort of,” “I think,” or “kinda,” you’re softening your position too much. To soften your tone, phrase your request as a question instead.
Speaking to the Situation
When you’re addressing an issue or conducting a confrontation, you may need to adjust your approach to the situation at hand. After all, you wouldn’t use the same tone, verbiage, or expressions when you’re talking to a friend about a time when he hurt your feelings as when you’re asking the mechanic why it’s taken so long for your car to be fixed.
When adjusting your communication to the situation, consider the following:
- How urgent is the situation? Is it something that you need to address immediately, or is there time to wait for the right moment to discuss it?
- How emotional are you about the situation? If you think that you won’t be able to conduct your communication in a positive manner, it may be best to wait to confront the other person until after you’ve cooled off.
- How emotional is the other person about this situation? If your counterpart is overly emotional, it may be best to delay the confrontation until your point can be heard clearly and calmly.
Of course, waiting is not always possible. If you must communicate your point during a time when the situation is not optimal, you’ll also want to consider how direct you wish to be. For instance, stating your case directly — “I need you to turn your stereo down” — is much more powerful than “Could you please turn your stereo down?” However, more powerful language can inspire the other party to become defensive. Consider how direct you wish to be under the circumstances. In most situations, if you’re not sure that you can act appropriately, it’s better to wait.
Body Talk
It’s also important to be aware of your body language as you communicate. Slouching, hand wringing, or lack of eye contact can undermine your message and may actually change the overall tone of what you’re saying. Do you recognize any of these nonverbal cues?
- Not looking people in the eye
- Pointing your finger
- Getting too close to the other person (invading personal space)
- Playing with hair or jewelry
- Wringing hands or cracking knuckles
- Slouching, leaning, or swaying
- Giggling nervously
Also, be sure that your facial expression is consistent with what you’re saying. If you’re trying to deliver a confident sales presentation, but your expression makes you look like a deer in the headlights, you’re going to be less effective. You might want to practice your message in front of a mirror.
Don’t Stoop
When you meet a truly difficult person, it’s easy to be tempted to stoop to that level. Beware of this scenario. By shouting, bullying, or otherwise reflecting the undesirable behavior, you virtually ensure that things won’t turn out as a win/win.
Communicating with Difficult People
In spite of your best efforts, there are times when even the best-crafted message may fall on deaf ears. Unfortunately, not all people are willing to work toward harmonious outcomes — in fact, some completely disregard the feelings and needs of others. Communicating with difficult people is a challenge, but you can increase your odds of success if you take some time to evaluate the situation.
- Is the other person routinely difficult? If the person you need to confront is regularly difficult, try to get to the “why.” After all, it takes a lot of energy to constantly look for ways to cause discord — and few people have the time, energy, or inclination to do so.
- See if you can get to the root of the difficulty. If you ask your boss for extra time off or a raise during a time when she has many other pressures, she may not have the time to give you adequate attention, or she may appear to be short with you when she’s really just distracted.
- Be sure that you’re reading the person correctly. Cultural differences, differences in communication style, and even the occasional bad day or week can cause disparities in communication. Be sure that you don’t misread a person’s natural style incorrectly.
If, in fact, you do come across a person who is trying to make your interaction more difficult, you do have options. First, you can ignore the person; however, this usually means ignoring the problem as well. Your other choice is to communicate clearly and effectively, taking care to not lose your cool.
Talk About It
Take a few moments to visit the Message Board to discuss some situations that you’ve faced and how you dealt with them. Practice some positive interaction/confrontation approaches.
When It Doesn’t Go Your Way
Even if you’re dealing with a person who is open to positive communication, things may not go your way. Perhaps the other person is entrenched in his or her viewpoint, or has other reasons why he or she cannot compromise. In this case, you have several options:
- Try to continue the dialogue so that you can come to an agreement later. Acknowledge that you’d like to work toward a resolution over time.
- Try an alternative approach. Perhaps you misread the person’s motivation or viewpoint. If you’ve asked your sister-in-law to host dinner parties at her house, and you’ve assumed that she didn’t do so previously because she isn’t a good cook, see if there might be some other reason that’s making her resistant and discuss that.
- Examine whether there is another resolution that would be satisfactory. If your boss can’t give you a raise now, perhaps she can grant you another company perk and reevaluate the situation in six months.
When to Walk Away
Sometimes, it’s best to walk away from a situation for a variety of reasons. You should walk away from a situation if:
- It becomes overly heated or aggressive.
- You feel as if your safety is at risk.
- You feel that the conversation cannot progress further.
- The other person says “no” and means it.
Goodbye and Good Luck
We’ve covered a great deal of information about positive communication, confrontation, and negotiation. Be sure to practice your approach and continue your reading on the topic. It may help to write your approaches down beforehand — this may make you more comfortable with the situation and the negotiation process.
Talk About It
Take a few moments to visit the Message Board to discuss some situations that you’ve faced and how you dealt with them. Practice some positive interaction/confrontation approaches.
Congratulations on completing Lesson3!
Assignment: Hard Bargains
- Read Chapters 6-8 in Getting to Yes about the exceptions that keep negotiating from being an effortless process.
- Read the answer to Question 4 on page 157 as well. It gives some advice on dealing with difficult people.
