Just Say It
How to get comfortable voicing your needs and your wants.
Rome Wasn’t Built in a Day
As you read through the following lessons, remember that these steps will become easier as you practice and perfect them. However, overcoming decades of poor communications habits may take time, so be patient with yourself.
Say What?
In our last lesson, we discussed the issues surrounding effective communication and some of the specific challenges that you might be facing. I hope that you’ve spent some time identifying your own communications challenges and thinking about how to get past all that False Evidence that Appears Real!
Now we’re going to move on to how you can get comfortable with saying what you need to say in virtually any situation. From negotiating a better price or deal to asking for what you need, the steps that follow will help you improve your effectiveness.
Before diving in, though, be sure to take some time to visit the Message Board, introduce yourself, and discuss the communications challenges you’re having. You’ll often find that others on the Message Board are facing similar challenges — it’s a great place to get feedback and support!
First let’s take a look at a formula that will help you build better communications skills.
The Art of Being Honest
When you’re thinking about some of these issues, try to be as honest with yourself as possible. You don’t need to share those feelings on the Message Board, but the more truthful you can be with yourself, the better off you will be in the long run.
Defining Your Goal
When you feel the need to make a request or state a need to someone else, it’s usually because things are not as you want or need them to be. In any situation where you want to create positive change, you need to define your desired outcome.
The first step is to define, specifically, what the behavior or situation is that you want to change. The key word here is specifically. For example, if you are negotiating a price on a new car, it’s not enough to say that you want a lower price. That means that even a dollar less than the asking price should satisfy your request.
Sometimes defining what you really want takes time and thought. In the case of a car purchase, you might need to do some homework first — e.g., research what the car costs the dealership and decide what a fair profit for the dealership would be. In other cases, defining what you want is a more introspective process. Remember that before you decide what it is that you really want, you also need to consider why you think you want that outcome. Sometimes this sheds light on the fact that what you think you want might not always be the case. Here’s an example:
Situation: Sally is sick of hosting holiday parties at her house. Her sister has never hosted one, although her home is a similar size. Sally resents that her sister has never offered to host a holiday party.
What Sally Wants: For her sister to volunteer to host a holiday party.
Why: If Sally looks superficially at the situation, she might say, “My sister never does her share.” That’s not specific, and by using the word “never,” she undermines her point — chances are that her sister has done her share on at least one occasion. However, if Sally remains objective and examines the situation, she may find a number of good reasons. She decides that what’s truly bothering her is that hosting a holiday party is a big responsibility and requires a lot of planning. Sally would like to enjoy the next holiday as a guest instead of as the event planner.
In this case, Sally has specifically defined what she wants and can proceed to make an effective request.
Sometimes, getting to the heart of an issue requires some practice. Put yourself in these situations and define what it is that you would want if you were faced with them:
- Your supervisor has called a meeting about an important project and excluded you.
- Your next-door neighbor’s dog barks incessantly, including early in the morning and late at night.
- A prospective customer counters your proposal with a lowball offer.
- Your son’s room is always messy.
As you examine what you want out of these situations and why you want it, you may find that some situations are not worth pursuing, depending upon how important the issue is to you. In other words, it may seem important because of patterns or habits that you have, but may not be that important in reality.
Let’s take the last situation — your son’s room being a mess. It may be annoying, and you may want the room to be clean. But what is your definition of clean? Why is this important to you? As you examine the situation, you may find that having your house in order brings you peace of mind and that seeing his room in disarray is truly distressing to you. Or perhaps you are trying to sell your house and it’s important that the room remain clean to increase the marketability of your house. Then again, you may realize that your desire for your son’s room to be clean may be a way to control him. Once you think about the fact that he’s getting good grades in school and is active in many clubs and athletics, you may find that his room is messy because he lacks time. All things being equal, you may come to accept that a clean room is less important than the other obligations on his time.
None of the above reactions is “right.” It all depends on what’s important to you.
Your Annoyances
Do you have any situations like Larry’s? Take a few moments and think about present situations that are driving you crazy. Take a moment and try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Write down what that person’s motivations might be. If you have trouble, present the situation on the Message Board and see if your classmates can help you see the other side.
Practice Win/Win Mindsets
Can you think of a win/win outcome for the following situations?
A friend who constantly complains A neighbor’s dog constantly gets loose and ends up in your yard Your spouse listens to your business messages on the phone and erases them by accident
Getting the Other Perspective
Once you’re clear about what you want and why you want it, it’s important to take a look at the other side. This is not always easy, and we may be tempted to label others as insensitive or uncaring about our feelings. However, maintaining objectivity is critical to effective communication.
One example of this principle in action is Fred. Fred lives in an apartment building, and his neighbor plays music so loud that Fred can hear it through the walls. Fred’s initial reaction is to be furious that his neighbor is always so inconsiderate.
However, let’s examine some scenarios from the neighbor’s point of view:
- Fred works the night shift on weekends, so he sleeps during the day. His neighbor, Larry, works from home as a graphic designer and plays his music as he works, but not before 10 a.m.
- Larry doesn’t realize that Fred’s bedroom is in the room next to his studio.
- Larry doesn’t realize how loud his music is.
Once Fred can see some of the other viewpoints, he may realize that Larry is not being uncaring or vindictive. He just doesn’t realize that his behavior is bothering Fred.
The next time you need to evaluate the other side of the story, try to truly put yourself in the other person’s shoes. There are very few situations in which someone’s behavior is motivated solely by the desire to be mean. Try to examine why the person is acting that way. It usually helps to give that person the benefit of the doubt.
Finding Win/Wins
Personal development guru Napoleon Hill often said that a deal was only a good one if everyone stood to benefit. That is true for virtually every situation. Whenever you try to create a positive confrontation or negotiation, be sure that one of your goals is to find a solution that benefits all parties. While this may not always be possible, this form of thought usually leads us to be more practical and flexible in our demands.
Take the situation of purchasing a new car as an example. We’re bombarded with the stereotype of the dishonest salesperson who is trying to cheat us by making us pay too much. Going into the situation with that stereotype in mind is likely to be detrimental to the negotiation process. Despite the stereotype, we want to try to remain objective, as we discussed in the last section.
Still, we’re wise to do our homework beforehand. We can use some of the many informative Web sites to determine what a fair price for the car should be. A fair price is one in which we’re paying the cost, plus a profit to the dealer. After all, the dealership is in business to make money.
Think about this the next time you have an interpersonal conflict. It’s not a good idea to set out to create a situation in which you get everything you want and the other person gets nothing. If that were the case, what motivation or incentive would the other person have to change his or her behavior? Instead, look for ways that you both can benefit. In the case of Fred and Larry, perhaps they can agree that Larry will use headphones during the times that Fred is sleeping — Larry gets to continue to listen to his music, while Fred gets his sleep. Win/win.
Practice, Practice, Visualize
Once you’ve come to a decision about what you would like the outcome to be and how you might bring it into being, practice your position. Write it down on paper and rehearse how you will present your case. This will help you in case you become flustered or angry. If you practice dealing with the various responses that you might get, you’ll be prepared for objections or other reactions. This will help you solidify your position.
Moving Forward
We’ve discussed the process of getting to the heart of what you want and how to prepare for positive confrontations and negotiations. This may seem like a lengthy process, but with practice, it will become quicker and more integrated into your thought process. Meanwhile, let’s move on to our next lesson, which covers how to be more powerful in your delivery and how to deal with difficult people and situations.
Your Annoyances
Do you have any situations like Larry’s? Take a few moments and think about present situations that are driving you crazy. Take a moment and try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Write down what that person’s motivations might be. If you have trouble, present the situation on the Message Board and see if your classmates can help you see the other side.
Practice Win/Win Mindsets
Can you think of a win/win outcome for the following situations?
A friend who constantly complains A neighbor’s dog constantly gets loose and ends up in your yard Your spouse listens to your business messages on the phone and erases them by accident
Congratulations on completing Lesson2!
Assignment: Winning an Argument
Think of an argument you often have with a significant person in your life (who will stick around even after this homework assignment in completed). This argument could be anything as banal as what genre of movie to rent from the video store, what restaurant to eat at tonight, or who will pay for dinner tonight. If, of course, you have a more pressing conflict, use that to practice with instead. Now write down every argument that your friend will make as well as every argument you intend to make. Avoid using personal attacks or positional bargaining as arguments. You case should — if not convince you opponent that what you want is really in his best interest — convince him that a compromise is the best choice. If this debate surfaces after you’ve done this assignment, take the opportunity to argue your opponent into negotiation.
Read Chapters 2-4 of Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In to get some tips on what steps to take while writing your argument. Use the chart on page 68 to help you as well.
