What Do You Mean?
The first step to improving your negotiating and communication skills is to identify where they need help.
Why Are You Here?
Take a moment to visit the Message Board to introduce yourself to the instructor and other students. Tell us why you’re taking the course and what you hope to accomplish. Feel free to interact with other students about the course material and share your own observations and experiences.
What Do You Mean?
Discomforts of Communication
Does the thought of asking your boss for a raise or playing hardball with a car salesman leave your palms sweaty? Or perhaps you have trouble saying “no” when people ask you to take on tasks, even when you’d prefer not to do them. Then again, maybe you’re the type that blows up when you feel pressured, alienating those around you?
If any of these situations sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Life is full of situations that require negotiation, confrontation, and communication. Yet these three critical skills are seldom addressed formally. In this course, that’s just what we’re going to do.
In this first lesson, we’ll cover some of the common communication challenges that people face, as well as how to identify which challenges you need to address. Next, we’ll show you how to get beyond the fear and present yourself clearly and powerfully. By changing a few bad habits and substituting some new skills, you’ll soon be on your way to saying exactly what you mean, which can eliminate frustration and lead to a greater level of success and satisfaction in your life.
What Type Are You?
Take a moment and honestly identify yourself. Do you tend to take on too much? Or do you tend to lose your cool at a slight provocation? Perhaps you’ve just given up, and you try to avoid unpleasant situations when at all possible. Or maybe you approach life’s sticky situations with the attitude that you can work it out.
Common Challenges
Let’s face it. Very few people actually like confrontation. In a perfect world, we’d all act in a way that served the best interests of ourselves and others equally. Unfortunately, this isn’t a perfect world, and the needs of others may be in direct conflict with our own needs. In these cases, we must speak up.
Generally, when faced with a confrontation, we can adopt one of four behaviors:
- Avoid. In this case, we pretend that the situation does not exist. We do nothing except try to stay as far as possible from the situation. This behavior often leads to a feeling of loss of control and can lead to anxiety as we find ourselves hiding.
- Pacify. When we’re prone to pacify, we often deny our own needs to placate others. We give in too easily or say, “yes,” so that we do not risk negative reactions from others. This behavior often leads to feelings of resentment or frustration. We might feel that others should somehow know that we feel as we do, even if we never tell them that.
- Attack. The response in the case of someone prone to attack is often aggressive and loud. We yell, scream, and overpower to get our way. No one is going to take advantage of us! Even the smallest request or statement can lead to an explosion. The ironic thing about people prone to the “attack” response is that they usually forget about their interaction long before those around them do. Usually, this behavior leads to a loss of credibility and a breakdown in communication from others who simply don’t want to risk the negative interaction.
- Negotiate. Negotiators look at a situation as an opportunity for a win/win outcome. They evaluate the request or circumstance, examine their own needs, and identify outcomes that can work for all involved. Negotiators are often well liked and fair. They are usually respected and have a positive outlook.
Within these four categories are different behavior types. For instance, Avoiders may actually modify their day-to-day existence in a negative way, adopting behavior patterns such as screening telephone calls or avoiding social gatherings because of their inability to confront a particular person or situation. Pacifiers may take on more responsibility than they can possibly handle in order to placate others. They may also have a tendency to complain or act out in a passive-aggressive way, betraying those who have asked something of them. Attackers may feel guilty about their behavior after the fact, or they may forget about it altogether.
Do You Know Any Mind Readers?
Sometimes, we get angry at others because they should know what we need or want. Have you ever been in a situation where someone misunderstood you or took something you said the wrong way? Keep that in mind. Assuming that others know your thoughts or feelings — even when you don’t clearly express them — is a dangerous game.
Finding Your Challenges
But why do we fall into these categories? Usually, the reason lies somewhere in our past. If we’ve had negative experiences because we behaved in a particular way, we are less likely to repeat that behavior. However, in this case, we adapt our behavior based on degrees of negativity. For instance, while it may not be a desirable outcome to take on more than you can handle, you may prefer to suffer in silence rather than to risk a potentially negative reaction that could occur if you said “no.” For instance, if your local PTA asks you to run a fundraiser, you may have a series of thoughts, which could include:
- The PTA needs help, so members would likely be grateful to you for volunteering.
- You don’t have enough time as it is. You certainly don’t need another thing on your already-full plate.
- The PTA members may feel as if you’re not doing your share if you don’t volunteer. They may get angry and you may lose esteem in their eyes.
- If you don’t do it, no one else will.
- How dare they ask you to take on another thing! Don’t they know how much you do already?
- If you make up an excuse now and then don’t go to the next meeting, they can’t ask you to volunteer.
Which of these thoughts sounds like you? You will probably make your decision based on what is least painful to you. And your reaction will stem from how you perceive the interaction.
Think about the last time you were in a situation in which you needed to confront another person about something you wanted or needed. If you have trouble, try thinking about the last time you:
- Were asked to do something when you were already busy or didn’t wish to take on another task
- Were in a situation where someone hurt your feelings
- Had to negotiate a purchase, such as a house or a car
- Wanted someone to change their behavior or do something for you
How did you react? Think about why you did that and what feelings you were experiencing as you were going through the situation. Were you able to explain yourself in a way that clearly conveyed your feelings? If not, why? Most often, the reason is one simple, four-letter word: Fear.
Exercise in Action
The next time that you’re in a situation that fits the criteria we discussed in this lesson, think about why you react the way you do. Put the standards that you’re applying to yourself to the test by substituting your expectations for someone else in the same situation.
Get Behind the Fear
Before you dismiss the fear though, consider this: Personal development guru Anthony Robbins says that FEAR is an acronym for False Evidence that Appears Real. This is a different thought than what might come to mind when you think of fear. See if any of these common fears sound familiar:
- People won’t like me if stand up for myself.
- My boss will get angry if I ask for a raise.
- I’ll sound like a jerk if I ask for a better price.
- My husband should know how much I hate going bowling!
Yes, the last statement is also a fear — it’s a fear of expressing one’s needs. What types of fears go through your mind when you’re in a situation that needs confrontation or negotiation?
Getting Beyond the Evidence
If fear is false evidence that appears real, then the key to overcoming fear is to identify the true evidence. Take the situations that you just recalled. Now, consider what you would expect if someone else was in your shoes. If your friend was a good worker, would you think she was being inappropriate if she asked for a raise? Would you think less of your mother if she negotiated a great price on a car or house? Would you dislike your brother if he turned down a request to be on a committee because he had his hands full with his children or job? If you wouldn’t expect someone else to live up to the standards you set for yourself, perhaps it’s time to rethink those standards.
Get to the Specifics
As you practice these steps, keep in mind that you need to be as specific and objective as possible. Avoid words like always or never, because they usually aren’t true. Try not to label, and try to avoid generalities. The clearer you can be about what you want, the better chance you will have for success.
Elements of Powerful Communication
Once you’ve identified some of the issues that hinder you from saying what you mean and getting what you want, it is easier to apply the principles of effective communication. Next time you’re faced with a situation in which you need to communicate something that makes you uncomfortable, try breaking it down into the following steps:
- Identify your needs: What is it that you want from the situation? Be specific. Do you want to change behavior? Do you need to react to a situation in which you’re being asked to do something you don’t wish to do?
- Find your motivation: What is the real reason behind this need or want? Again, get behind the obvious. Do you believe you deserve a raise, or do you want one because your friend got a raise? Again, be specific about the reason.
- Formulate a statement: Once you know what you want and why you want it, put it into words. Again, be specific.
- See the other side: Now that you’re clear about what you want from the situation, take a look at it from the other side. What are the needs/wants of the other party? Try to be as objective as possible, even if you don’t agree with that viewpoint.
- Look for the win/win: Is there a way that you can negotiate a compromise that will allow you both to achieve your objectives? In some cases, this is not possible. However, you’ll have a greater measure of success, especially in negotiation situations, if you find a place where both parties benefit.
- Present your case: Now that you’re comfortable, say what you mean. Present your case clearly and calmly, but firmly.
Moving Forward
In our next lesson, we’ll examine these principles in more detail and give you some specific examples. However, in the meantime, think about how you could have applied them to the situations that we’ve discussed throughout this lesson.
Congratulations on completing Lesson1!
Assignment: What Do You Mean?
- Flip through your textbook Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In. Read Chapter 1 and any other sections that catch your eye.
